News

Bulldog Elected Mayor of Tiny Kentucky Town

It’s official: it’s gone to the dogs.

The community of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky, elected a bulldog as their next mayor.

I know what you’re thinking — other than are they crazy, what kind of bulldog? A French bulldog.

It’s safe to say that Rabbit Hash is really sick of their politicians. The community has elected a dog as mayor since 1998.

Monsieur Mayor-elect Wilbur cleaned up the Rabbit Hash mayoral race with 57-percent of the vote (earning 13,143 votes out of 22,985 total).

Wilbur the bulldog won the largest total number of votes ever as a candidate in Rabbit Hash mayoral history, according to the Rabbit Hash Historical Society.

Wilbur’s campaign also dusted the competition in the money hunt, raising $6,165 in his bid for mayor.

Scandal struck the Rabbit Hash mayoral race, however, in what is unanimously agreed upon by independent observes as what amounts to clear and rampant voter fraud.

Did Dominion Voting Systems conduct the vote tally?

Rabbit Hash is a census-designated place and an unincorporated community in Boone County, KY with a population of 426.

With 22,985 total votes cast in the Rabbit Hash mayoral election, it appears as though a whopper 22,559 of those votes are fraudulent, an amount equal to a Philadelphian wheelbarrow or a Chicago cemetery.

In Chicago, even the cemeteries vote twice.

Jack Rabbit, a beagle, placed second in the mayoral contest, followed by a golden retriever named Poppy who placed third.

At the time we went to press, neither of the runner-ups had issued statements, but were instead distracted by the complimentary Milk-Bone® chews in the city hall foyer.

Nevertheless, Monsieur Wilbur will be replacing current Mayor Brynneth Pawltro, a pit bull who has served since 2017 and whose name definitely isn’t a pun of Gwyneth Paltrow.

The incoming administration is already making its imprint, but Wilbur has signaled that he will retain members of the old regime, including keeping Lady Stone, a border collie, on as ambassador of Rabbit Hash.

While some have accused her of sniffing the throne, Lady Stone announced news of Wilbur’s win on her Facebook page.

Monsieur Wilbur reveled in the victory, declaring Rabbit Hash “the most magical place on Earth” on the night of his election win – but given that Rabbit Hash is essentially a dirt road with a general store that may have been the champagne talking.

The people of Rabbit Hash, when they’re not stuffing ballot boxes, choose their mayors “based on the candidates’ willingness to have their belly scratched” according to the community’s website. I know we don’t expect much of our politicians, but really!

Rabbit Hash first went to the dogs in 1998 when they elected their first canine mayor, a dog born of “unknown parentage” named Goofy Borneman. Goofy muscled through a bruising primary during which opponents alleged he had a tendency to poach chickens.

Rabbit Hash’s mayorship has been held by canines ever since.

It’s unclear what Mayor-elect Wilbur the bulldog’s paw-licy’s will be, but we can presume with relatively high confidence that there will be a significant focus on fire hydrants and playing fetch.

Not everyone has something to bark about: Biscuit the Scottish Terrier has run for the Rabbit Hash mayoral seat six times and come up short six times. When asked why voters haven’t voted him in after six tries, it was realized that Biscuit doesn’t speak English and the segment was abandoned.

Local Rabbit Hash resident Troy Chambliss said he didn’t care which way the mayoral race swung so long as Lady Stone, the border collie, was removed from her post as ambassador.

“We have our own deep state here in Rabbit Hash. We need term limits,” said Chambliss.